I'm falling forever, I've got to break through.

Ow.

So... My heart my have just been torn to shreds for the second time this month...

It hurts... It hurts alot...

-shakes head-

On step at a time. I'll start with yesterday.

So, yesterday was 420.

I sat around all day, looked at stoner comics, and watched gunslinger girl.

Then I went out to party with Star.

We met at a pub, then went out to eat before I could get a drink, then went to a club.

When we got there, I get a few drinks, met a cute girl who was a friend of a friend of Stars. After chatting with her all night and buying her a drink, I ended up following her home.Her and another guy and her roommate chilled and chatted, then I walked the 2 hour walk home.

Good night.

Today, I hung out with Nightingale.

We met up uptown, came back to my place, had a little bit of sexy times, smoked weed, and then got into some all too serious discussion.

Long story short; I have no chance with her...

I...

I don't even know what to do...

At least after breaking up with Valkyie, I had some point of reference. Someone to turn my attention to.

Why do I have to give my heart out so easily?! Even those I trust most end up crushing it...

God it hurts...

I. I guess I knew on the inside it wouldn't work... She just wasn't quite loving me back but... she's so.... I dunno. Perfect.

Fuck.

I'm drunk. I'm high. I'm in not state to properly deal with this... I just...God damn. I wanted her so badly. And there isn't anything I can do about it.

What about my future?

I had planned to stay behind, then move out to to a big city with her...

I don't know if I can live with her...

I don't even know...

Could I do that to myself? To her? We both know how I feel... It would just be torture for the both of us. Me because I'm so close but I can never have her, and her because  she'll know the pain I'm going through and can't help.

I don't know.. I just.. I can't even begin to understand...

I'll end up texting her tomorrow.

Giving my heart out easily, and easy suicidal tenacities because of love being tied together is a bad mix.

Rationally, I know that killing myself would be a stupid response to this. It would be childish and immature, and rash and dumb.

Emotionally...

I want to go throw myself off the docks.

It's dumb but...

I don't even know what to do now.. I don't know where to go. Where I want to stand with Nightingale. 

I don't know if I want to continue a relationship with her. And if I do, to what extent.

Everything just hurts so much...

Why can't anyone love me....

It was like this with Luna too... I just want to find someone who loves me. Why do I always have to be on the giving-more-then-recieving end...

I just want someone to care for me...

Damnit.

I feel pathetic.

This whole post is pathetic.

I'm done for the night. Maybe I can pass out into sweet dreamless oblivion.

Unfortunately,

Forever and Always,

Stryker