When I can feel like I can feel once again, let me stay a while...

Blargh. I've been missing posts. I have a distaste for that,  but as long as I catch up, I can't really see it being an issue.
Yesterday. Sunday. Not a great day. Stuck around home all day. Though I did get out for a smoke after my parents left. It was nice, and provided an easier ride home. It was tough to find a lighter though. :P Worst feeling ever.
Then the drive home happened. The a friend came over for a bit. we smoked, I went to bed.
Today was the first day of class. It was rough. I couldn't get Nightingale off my mind all day. At least i was able to get her off my mind after school, when I went to the gym. I may end up going to the gym more often.
Then I got home, and went over to my neighbours house and rescued him from a particular dry spot.
Now I'm home. I'm well fed. I watched Criminal Minds. I'm waiting for Rusty Hearts to patch. It's a 3d double dragon type game. I'm looking forward to it. I like the beat 'em ups, and Gray has been playing it.
I don't really know how I feel. I guess lost. I really know how to properly deal with it. I can't talk to Nightingale. I wouldn't have any idea of what to say, or even where to start. I guess its just... I plan around people. My heart latches onto someone, and I slowly begin to do things for them and focus on them. In Nightingales case, I planned my future around her. But now... I dunno. Now I know that it will never happen, I dunno. I hated being the way I was with Luna. It was stupid of me to follow her around like a puppy even though I knew she would never love me. The same goes for Ei. I don't want to act the same way I was, because that Everett is optimistic about the future and thinks that he may get a relationship with her, but that means I don't know how to act. I don't know if I can act any different...
I really need to be strongly discouraged next time I decide to fall head over heels for someone. I don't want my heart to hit the floor this head.
I don't like having nooone to focus on. I don't usually live for just myself. I'm scared of being forever alone....
Anyway. That enough for the night. It's an update, thats for sure.
Forever and Always.
Stryker.