Man it's a hot one, like seven inches from the midday sun...

Holy damn. Busy busy busy.
Well, the most pressing issues first. I've begun smoking, thus why I've missed a few nights.
Monday was fun. I hung out with Frost. We watched a movie, and ate spaghetti, and smoked, then came back to my place and played LoL,
Then Tuesday I had a few(lot) of friends over. We played soul calibur, got really really blazed, and watched movies. I was falling asleep by the end of it, so I had to wander off to bed early. Twas a very good party though.
Then today, frost and another friend were over. We were just hanging out, whatever, and she played LoL with a guy friend of ours. He's a good guy. but has frustration and temper problems when playing games. Anyway, he got upset at her, and she's acting really hurt by it. She seems to be paying quite a bit more to him lately, and holds a better view of him. Which is weird because she already shot him down once.
But regardless, she seems to like him.
Which is fine.
If.
If she realizes that he gets upset, and angry at people he doesn't mean to. I know very well that he's a nice dude.
But I also realize that when he get frustrated with games, he lashes out, and you have to learn to shut him out and ignore him.
As I said, he's nice, and as such, he'll usually apologize afterwards.
But I can't see a healthy relationship forming if it upsets her that he's moody. If you like someone, learn to deal with who they are. It's like she's looking for a reason to cry.
Aside from that, Callieach and her lady friend are coming down at some point. I texted her today, but she said she didn't know when it would be. I hope it's soon, I miss her quite a bit.
Another friend of mine is travelling, and has a blog to keep log of her adventures. I'm very jealous. I wish I could be travelling. But I will have to stay up to date on her blog. Hopefully she doesn't miss as many days as I do, :P
I'm back to relative ease with Nightingale. I've been talking to her on and off. Things are going to be strange, at least until we talk in person. I can't see us having any of our crazy deep discussions before then. I don't know where we'll go, but I think seeing her in person will sort out the last few little things. For now, things are okay.
I really really need a job. :/
I had a good night after dealing with upset Frost. I got some groceries, and then went over to a friend house to chill and play magic.
New set is coming out. Looks good. I read some prerelease stuff today. Looks like it's going to add an interesting spin to our current mix. Really, I can't wait for anything to throw away the current zombies, tokens, wolves. 
It's fairly late. I think I'm going to turn in for the night.
Forever and Always
Stryker

Strobe lights are everywhere, smoke is filling the air.

Well, this is certainly interesting. I'm fairly certain I'm in the middle of a allergic reaction to... I'm not exactly sure what. My throat is tight and itchy, I've been having digestional problems, and my nose is starting to get plugged. This is going to be a wonderful night. I guess more on that later.
Today was good. Better then I expected, at least.
I turned in my project after finishing it up. While it wasn't perfect, it was better then I expected to be able to make it in the amount of time I had left. When I went up to meet with the teacher individually, it was more a focus on my future project and what I wanted to learn. I'm going to be doing a pretty sick boomerang for my next project, and I'm super pumped. I love being inspired to work on things. I wasn't inspired to work on that building at all, but I can't wait to work on that prop.
Then lunch happened and I played some magic.
Then after that a few of us came back to my place, and my friends got pretty baked. I didn't join in. I still have plenty to sort out with Nightingale and I don't want to start smoking again until I don't need to worry about that.
Speaking of which, I texted her. She texted me back something that hurt a bit more then I think she meant it to, so I just stopped talking to her. I'll try again tomorrow. Hopefully eventually we shall reignite our friendship. I think I'm getting over her. I keep being reminded of these things that she does that I don't like. Particularly the not talking to you when upset thing. I understand why she does it, it's just that it's not something I would want to deal with in a relationship. I get frustrated easily when I can't communicate with people.
Then we wandered up to the school to play magic some more, and then came back here. Technically we came back to play League of Legends, but they just got even more high for the most part. It's tough to want to smoke and be around people that are. I really just wanted to take a toke or two, but I didn't, which I'm rather proud of.
Then people slowly started dispersing until it was just Mutant and I left. We played some League of Legends, and then actually ended up playing Soul Calibur. Usually I can't get into Soul Calibur, but then I'd only played it single player and essentially just mashed buttons. It's tough to get used to, but I think having the extra dimension on play really adds to the fighting genre.
Then, just after Mutant left, and I was getting ready to get comfy and write and then go to bed, my allergies started bothering me. Now I'm in the middle of one of my allergies attacks. The most annoying part is the runny nose right now. Usually my tongue and eyelids swell, which sucks quite a bit too, but this time it seems to be a less severe one.
I'm throwin' a party tomorrow. I've got to get up, shower and do dishes before people get here, but as long as I wake up at a half decent hour, it shouldn't be out of the question. I hate doing dishes... Ah well, someones gotta do 'em.
Hopefully I can go to bed soon.
Forever and Always
Stryker

We are the monsters, we are the shaken, underneath your bed.

Watching Criminal Minds. All my luffs for it.
I managed to tick off lots of girl tonight X.x
I started talking to Nightingale again. It went... alright at first, but I think I said something wrong that made her vanish. It... Egh... It reminds me of Ray. Blegh. I dunno. It feels like I keep seeing things that I dislike. Maybe, it's sour grapes, but... I dunno. 
I spent the night with Nereid. It was... well, just as interesting as it always is. We talked alot, and then went to go out to a bar. There was a boy she really liked and wanted to hang out with. Unfortunately, she got carded and had to leave. So, I left too, walked her home and gave her a shoulder to cry on for a few moments. She wanted to be alone, so I walked home.
I also cleaned a bunch today. I got the living room and my room clean. Now I just need the bathroom and kitchen.
I also am doing terribly in school. It's only one project but it's kind of blagh.
I dunno. Things are kinda crazy...
Forever and Always
Stryker

I just want to be famous, be so fucking jaded.

Back on blogging!

I missed Monday in my last post, so I will just post about school in general. It's been tough. Mornings have been filled with far too many thoughts about Nightingale. It's made my work suck, and me unfocused. I've been talking to her minimally, which is... strange for me. I just don't know what to say or how to say it... I've missed her alot this week, but... I don't know. I'm going to try and put some effort into it. She is my best friend, regardless of how I feel.

I've also been smoking alot. It has the side effect of making me not stress over Nightingale. While this is a good thing, it means that I potentially have a reason to rely on it, and I don't want to get reliant on any drug, so I'm going to take a break for a while. While I don't like worrying and over thinking, it's better then getting hooked on drugs just to "solve" my problem.

My old friend Cailleach got ahold of me asking if her and her ladyfriend could crash here for a night cause she wanted to see me. I've been talking to her a bit lately, and I'm glad I'll get to see her. I've missed her a lot, and she seems to be doing a great deal better than she was in high school. Also, I'll get to meet her mate, which should be interesting. Cailleach has good taste in girls though, so I'm sure she'll be a delight.

Also, a girl named Nereid came over tonight. I met her right before march break, and had seen her til yesterday at lunch. We arranged a hangout for today, and so it happened. She came over, we watched Waking Life, ate some pizza and snuggled. She was all over me. It was.. interesting. I've never had a girl that was such putty in my palm. She was nervous, and cuddly, and was in my face a few times to try and bait a kiss out of me. She was adorable. She certainly has some issues, and I think I have to be careful, because she's potentially fragile and she could crush pretty hard on me, but I think it could be interesting. She kinda wanted to stay the night, but she didn't have a change of clothes. I told her she was welcome to, and we set Sunday as the next time for hanging.

Forever and always

Stryker 

When I can feel like I can feel once again, let me stay a while...

Blargh. I've been missing posts. I have a distaste for that,  but as long as I catch up, I can't really see it being an issue.
Yesterday. Sunday. Not a great day. Stuck around home all day. Though I did get out for a smoke after my parents left. It was nice, and provided an easier ride home. It was tough to find a lighter though. :P Worst feeling ever.
Then the drive home happened. The a friend came over for a bit. we smoked, I went to bed.
Today was the first day of class. It was rough. I couldn't get Nightingale off my mind all day. At least i was able to get her off my mind after school, when I went to the gym. I may end up going to the gym more often.
Then I got home, and went over to my neighbours house and rescued him from a particular dry spot.
Now I'm home. I'm well fed. I watched Criminal Minds. I'm waiting for Rusty Hearts to patch. It's a 3d double dragon type game. I'm looking forward to it. I like the beat 'em ups, and Gray has been playing it.
I don't really know how I feel. I guess lost. I really know how to properly deal with it. I can't talk to Nightingale. I wouldn't have any idea of what to say, or even where to start. I guess its just... I plan around people. My heart latches onto someone, and I slowly begin to do things for them and focus on them. In Nightingales case, I planned my future around her. But now... I dunno. Now I know that it will never happen, I dunno. I hated being the way I was with Luna. It was stupid of me to follow her around like a puppy even though I knew she would never love me. The same goes for Ei. I don't want to act the same way I was, because that Everett is optimistic about the future and thinks that he may get a relationship with her, but that means I don't know how to act. I don't know if I can act any different...
I really need to be strongly discouraged next time I decide to fall head over heels for someone. I don't want my heart to hit the floor this head.
I don't like having nooone to focus on. I don't usually live for just myself. I'm scared of being forever alone....
Anyway. That enough for the night. It's an update, thats for sure.
Forever and Always.
Stryker.

I'm falling forever, I've got to break through.

Ow.

So... My heart my have just been torn to shreds for the second time this month...

It hurts... It hurts alot...

-shakes head-

On step at a time. I'll start with yesterday.

So, yesterday was 420.

I sat around all day, looked at stoner comics, and watched gunslinger girl.

Then I went out to party with Star.

We met at a pub, then went out to eat before I could get a drink, then went to a club.

When we got there, I get a few drinks, met a cute girl who was a friend of a friend of Stars. After chatting with her all night and buying her a drink, I ended up following her home.Her and another guy and her roommate chilled and chatted, then I walked the 2 hour walk home.

Good night.

Today, I hung out with Nightingale.

We met up uptown, came back to my place, had a little bit of sexy times, smoked weed, and then got into some all too serious discussion.

Long story short; I have no chance with her...

I...

I don't even know what to do...

At least after breaking up with Valkyie, I had some point of reference. Someone to turn my attention to.

Why do I have to give my heart out so easily?! Even those I trust most end up crushing it...

God it hurts...

I. I guess I knew on the inside it wouldn't work... She just wasn't quite loving me back but... she's so.... I dunno. Perfect.

Fuck.

I'm drunk. I'm high. I'm in not state to properly deal with this... I just...God damn. I wanted her so badly. And there isn't anything I can do about it.

What about my future?

I had planned to stay behind, then move out to to a big city with her...

I don't know if I can live with her...

I don't even know...

Could I do that to myself? To her? We both know how I feel... It would just be torture for the both of us. Me because I'm so close but I can never have her, and her because  she'll know the pain I'm going through and can't help.

I don't know.. I just.. I can't even begin to understand...

I'll end up texting her tomorrow.

Giving my heart out easily, and easy suicidal tenacities because of love being tied together is a bad mix.

Rationally, I know that killing myself would be a stupid response to this. It would be childish and immature, and rash and dumb.

Emotionally...

I want to go throw myself off the docks.

It's dumb but...

I don't even know what to do now.. I don't know where to go. Where I want to stand with Nightingale. 

I don't know if I want to continue a relationship with her. And if I do, to what extent.

Everything just hurts so much...

Why can't anyone love me....

It was like this with Luna too... I just want to find someone who loves me. Why do I always have to be on the giving-more-then-recieving end...

I just want someone to care for me...

Damnit.

I feel pathetic.

This whole post is pathetic.

I'm done for the night. Maybe I can pass out into sweet dreamless oblivion.

Unfortunately,

Forever and Always,

Stryker

Put on those shades and wave to yesterday, the sunlight hurts my eyes.

Another long day, Another sleepless night.

Insomnia and I get along far too well... At least this is better then 3:30.

Hung out with Gray all day today. Twas a good day. We chilled, chatted, gamed, and stole some pallets from behind a local mall that wants to use for firewood on saturday.

It seems like I've been getting a hold of alot of ladies lately. Star, Wind, Luna, and even a few more ghosts from my past have been popping up here and there.

I think it's a good thing. By that I mean, I'm glad I'm socializing more. I don't think I'll ever have enough socialization. I really love people.

I've been thinking about Nightingale alot, as I have been for the last few months. I really am far too in love with her. It's strange, I guess... I don't want to get my hopes up about being with her. I know very well that there is a good chance that I won't happen. It feels like no matter how hard I try, our lives just don't want to match up. Even with me going back to school, if she has to stick around in our hometown for an extra year... I dunno... Another three years is a long time. I don't really mind, it's just, fate isn't being kind.

And half the time lately, I feel like she doesn't have any interest anyway. It's very possible (And probable) that I'm overthinking things, but still...
I dunno. I guess I just feel like she's so perfect, that I'd been worrying that I'd never find anyone as amazing as she is. And while I haven't found anyone like that, the flurry of girls getting in touch reminded me that there are still other girls out there, and that I don't have to stress out so much, and worry about not getting her.
I still will.

But at least now it's significantly less justifiable.

Gray and I may be going out to party with Star tomorrow night. She wants to go to bars and clubs now that she's nineteen. I think beer pong is also on that list, which should be interesting, cause I've never played before.

Gray is also having a get together Saturday which I'm... I don't know how I feel about it.

One of his friends has a rather severe distaste for me, which I can't do anything about. I've never had a problem with her except with how critical and unforgiving she is. Regardless, Gray wants as little drama as possible. I agree, and will glad find something else to do, if need be, I just think that it's frustratingly stupid that one person can dictate group dynamics so strongly simply because she refuses to be civil and reasonable.

I can't really think of much else, except that I still need to come up with names for other friends.

I like journalling like this. I think it's helping me drain my brain at night and sleep. Granted, it's still pretty late, but it's better then usual.
I think sleep is going to be attempted now.

Forever and Always

Stryker

Because baby, you're gonna be the one who saves me.

Holy crazy.

For some reason, I adore the feeling of days blending together due to lack of sleep. Though, my sleep schedule is so incredibly fucked at the moment. I didn't sleep last night, but I slept on my way back to my hometown... or rather, I dozed on and off. It's early, so hopefully going to bed soon will help.

I went to school, finished some projects and talked to my guidance councillor. The projects went fairly smoothly, though I wish I had more time on a few of them. The guidance councillor was fine too. She told me that I need to get back to basics before I worry about anything more. Sleep, food, exercise, all that fun stuff.

I paid my first power bill! Woo! I didn't fuck that up. :D
I also started talking to Luna and Wind again. Dem crazy chickies fom high school. That will be... interesting. I've missed both of them.

Then Hunter drove me back to my hometown.
I noticed that Star had posted about her birthday dinner, so I decided to make a spontaneous appearance. It was great. I had a good meal, got to catch up, and even got more plans made for Friday night. We're going out drinking at a local bar. I think there will be beer pong too.

Now I'm home. The family was happy to see me, and I was happy to see them.

Now... Sleep. :/ How do I even deal with this.
I think I'm going to hop in the shower, then pass out.

Wish me luck!
Forever and Always
Stryker

We all spend half our time running around fucked out of our mind. We spend the other half sleeping at desks, praying just to get back.

So! I'm back to this.

4 Years Later...

My last post was a long time ago... Kinda feels like someone completely different.

I find myself with an excess of free time, and that midnight writings may be the thing to do from now on.

I know why Nightingale does it so much... or at least, I can kind of identify.

Maybe I'll use it as a place to organize my thoughts. Or just talk about the day.

Lately, my thoughts have been a bit disorganized, and my nights a little hard.

I think it's time to put on some headphones, and really write.

-Goes to get music-

Music on, and now I'm comfy.

Where to start?

""Begin at the beginning," the King said gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop""

Well, I dated Valkryie for about 2 years. That just ended a week or two ago.

Things just weren't working. We were both unhappy, and we knew it.

Then she turned into... Well, lets just say it was nasty and I don't want to dwell.

So, now I'm in my final semester of collage, about to get my degree.

I'm single, and living with a roommate.

My sleep patterns have been absolutely decimated by Valkryie leaving...

Lately, I've been sleeping through alarms and not sleeping til 4 if at all...

So, hopefully this will be a shutdown method or something. Like... Come home, do stuff, post on blog, then sleep.
That's my hope at least.

Other things!

School is awesome. Always has been. I love doing work that involves the gaming industry. It's ever changing and always exciting. Just the profession I need.

My little pony. Vinyl Scratch and Pinkie Pie. That is all.

Dating. :/ Hmph. It's... something.

I think I fall for people too easily. Granted there are a particular few since I've been broken up that I've had my eyes on.
One specifically, Nightingale, is certainly captured the majority of my attention. She's the kinda girl who see's though all my defences. Needless to say, I've fallen hopelessly and illogically in love with her. She knows this, and thus the future of the relationship and where it goes is completely in her hands. Until then, we are friends, and I'm happy to have her as that.

(Expect her to be the focus of quite a few nights. She's on my mind far too much as it is...)

This is actually my first night sober in about a week. Since I've been single, I've taken the opportunity to wander out and get myself completely fucked as much as possible. Between drinking and other illegal substances, I haven't been sober since last Tuesday. And while I am certainly on a break tonight, I plan to continue to party myself into the ground as often as I can afford to.

No sleep tonight though.
I find that four thirty is usually the threshold at which I have to decide whether to sleep or not, and since that has completely passed by without any notice whatsoever, I guess there is no sleep to be had. I'd just have to be up in an hour and a half anyway.

Interesting that it was so easy to come up with impersonal names for my friends in highschool, but not now. I'm struggling to give proper names to people that I would recognise later. I'll think up some, I'm sure.

I think after this post I shall go for a walk. then shower, and then watch some Criminal Minds.

I also think that I'm going to refrain from telling anyone that I've started this back up again.

I think last time I blogged, it was because I wanted people to be interested what I was doing... Maybe a bit of some want for attention...

I don't want it to be that way this time. This time it's for me.

The writing will make me feel better, and give me something to do during the long nights ahead.

I'll be returning back to my hometown tomorrow... It will be nice, but Nightingale is busy all weekend which is kind of.. discouraging.

It's also frustrating because... Well, I should want to go home and see family and friends. She isn't the only reason I have to go home...

But... she's certainly a good one...

It's frustrating that I get so disappointed by that. As I said, Illogical head over heels in love. It can be annoying when it's impairing my judgement like that.

I don't know... Regardless, I'm going to go home, and hopefully see some old friends.

As long as I'm having fun. That's all.
Because really, what else can you ask for in life?
Happiness.

I'm trying to get there. One day at a time.

I feel like I have more to say, but I can't think of it. I'm sure it will get said sooner or later.

Forever and Always
Stryker